What is the Point? 2 of 4: The Power of Narrative and Storytelling
“Life is fragile, be kind to yourself and tolerant with others.” Gareth Robinson
People have been asking themselves what the point of life is since the beginning of time, and because I lost a close friend to suicide just over a week ago, I’ve been examining that question to process his death and find some clarity.
Right now, today, I am not sure there is a point. Or, if there is a point, I am not sure it matters.
I’ve known my friend for as long as I can remember anything, he was one of my best mates for over four decades. We spent our formative years together, I lived with him in four different houses, he was one of the best men at my wedding, the Godfather of my son, and someone I expected to be seeing for a long time in the future. Losing my good mate has been hard, I’m sure it has been harder for his family, it’s been hard for all of his mates (jeez he had a lot of good mates), I think I’ll be processing it for a while to come.
Writing, speaking, sharing stories and advice has become part of who I am. In times of grief, I find writing cathartic (if you’re grieving, I recommend you give it a go, because it might help you too*). As well as helping me process my mate’s death, I hope that what I write in this series of articles will in a small way help others better cope with whatever it is they’re coping with.
*Studies have shown the positive impact that journaling can have on your life, including improving your happiness and helping you achieve your goals. Check out this article here from Psychology Today if you’re interested in learning more.
People like me hope that our stories and advice help people live their best lives, helping them get better at getting better…
I guess that is the point:
The point of life is to make a positive difference — just like my mate did — in people’s lives.
Over 500 people turned up to my mate’s funeral, with more of us dialling in because we couldn’t travel to New Zealand. If he knew how many people he had helped, and importantly how he had helped them — often with just his words and time, he might still be here now.
So, the meaning of life, the point of it all, your purpose if you like, is to contribute to your community, to make a positive difference in the world — no matter how small — because every little bit counts!
I challenge you to find a more worthy point of your existence.
If you want to build an empire or save the world, that’s OK too, just make sure that the road you’re on is making you and your loved ones happy. And, that your Big Hairy Audacious Goal (BHAG) is not so big that it’s stopping you from getting started!
Small steps, and process-focused open goals, deliver great outcomes over time, and as Michelangelo once said:
“I have been impressed with the urgency of doing. Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Being willing is not enough; we must do.”
So, take the first step in making a difference and ‘do’.
Speaking of small steps and goals, my goal with this series of articles is to share what I’ve learned about the importance of good mental health in helping you become content and live well. I want to share what my mate taught me with his last and final act. An act that was out of character, a sad and irrational act that has taught me a lesson (he’s given me plenty of them over the years). An act which has brought into sharp focus what is important in life, the best way to live it, and whether there is a point to it, or not!
I’ll be covering the four topics below related to your mental health. Importantly, each article provides lessons from some of the world’s best minds on how you can develop a more positive mindset, and reduce stress and anxiety levels, so that you are living a healthier and happier life.
1. The power of narrative and storytelling
2. Memento mori
3. Why being insignificant is a good thing
4. Gratitude
The first cab off the rank is about the stories we tell ourselves, how to better control the narrative, and ultimately how you can tell the stories that will help you live a better life, rather than the ones that can potentially kill you.
My focus is on you, the individual, because if you really want to help people you need to help yourself first… I often use the analogy of the emergency briefing from the flight attendant before a plane takes off:
“Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the mask over your own mouth and nose before assisting others.”
As the old saying goes; If you don’t look after yourself first, you cannot look after others.
Speaking of points, it’s probably time I got to mine!
Before I start (yup, I haven’t even started yet), I’d like to share some context:
I’m not as qualified as some experts in the field of life, I’m a normal bloke who’s still learning, however, I am pretty good at learning.
I am a teacher and coach who reads and listens a lot. And when I boil it down, I realise over the last few years I’ve learned quite a bit about what the point of life is (or what it isn’t). So, while I’m not as qualified as some, I am more qualified than most 😊.
To wrap up this intro, please remember that if you‘re struggling to talk to someone (it’s good to talk). Remember you have people who care for you and love you - reach out to one of them. And if you need to, contact a healthcare professional in your local community.
“Don’t lose hope because when the sun goes down, the stars come out.” Unknown
IMPORTANT: The information in this article is not a substitute for medical advice, nor is the content intended to be used for diagnosis and treatment. You, or anyone you are concerned about, are encouraged to seek professional advice and treatment from doctors and/or qualified healthcare professionals in specific cases of need. If you, or the person you are concerned about, appear at risk of self-harm or harm to others, please seek immediate professional assistance.
PART ONE: The Power of Narrative and Storytelling
On average people speak at a speed of about 125 words per minute, most of us can understand 400 words per min. When talking to yourself — what is known as ‘inner speech’ — you process up to 4,000 words per minute! 10x what you can comprehend when someone is speaking…
Why should you care?
Consider for a minute the sheer volume of content you can get through when talking to yourself. The number of stories you can tell yourself, the crap your imagination can make up, the future scenarios — that do not even exist — but that create stress and anxiety in your life.
Often inner speech (or self-talk) is negative, and the volume alone shows how important it is to be aware of your inner speech, to learn how to better manage it. To learn how to speak more nicely to yourself!
The remainder of this article is split into three sections; the Past, Present and Future. In each I’ll look at how you can change the narrative, and create better stories about, and for yourself.
“Past is a memory, future is imagination. Nice places to visit, but you don’t want to live there.” Dan Millman
Your Past
You cannot change the past, however, you can change your view of it, your perception in other words. Anyone in the world can change how they view a past event so they can view it in a more positive light.
It is important to realise that if you look hard enough, there are always positives to be found. They are sometimes small and difficult to discover, however, they’re always there — little golden nuggets of positivity.
Even when you have suffered a tragedy, which on the surface looks like it does not have any good to come out of it, you can always find some good…
When all else fails, here is a technique from the Stoics that you can use to find a positive ,where there doesn’t look like one exists:
Be brave and consider how your response (what you say and do) can help others cope better.
It’s as simple (but not easy) as that! When all else fails, think about how you can respond so that others, who have also been affected by the tragedy, can better cope. How can you behave, what can you say or do that will help your friends better cope with the tragedy?
And, by focusing outside your own pain, and helping others, you’ve found a little golden nugget of positivity!
The added bonus is that by helping others your actions will likely help you too.
Moving on from tragedy (I’m a positive kind-of guy), when considering the past, remember your past does not have to define who you are today.
Change is permanent, and it’s not just in business and the markets that we see change. To stage the bleeding obvious; life is change — humans are born, we live, and then we die.
I along with many others, believe that you do not have to be the same person today as you were yesterday. Let me ask you a question:
Are you the same person today that you were ten years ago? Five years ago? Last year?
If your answer was yes, then please think again.
Think a little bit harder about the experiences you have had over the years, the people you have met, and the lessons you’ve learned over time…
You should realise that of course you aren’t the same person that you were five years ago, or even five months ago!
My point is that when it comes to storytelling, and the stories that we tell ourselves, as the author of your story you have the power to change the narrative.
You don’t have to lose the past, just make sure that those mistakes you’ve made, the errors in judgment (we all have them), are not blown out of proportion. As mentioned earlier, you can change your perception of past events and look on them through a more positive lens.
Remember that your past thoughts, behaviours and actions do not have to define who you are today.
If you’re interested in some more tips on how to better manage your past, then this article from Healthline on is a good one: How to let go of things from the past
Let’s move onto the past because as Dan Millman says; it’s a nice place to visit, but you don’t want to live there!
The Present
Science tells us that most of your happiness is derived from how you perceive the world, in this case perception is reality!
If you’re like me, naturally you might be somewhere in the middle of the ‘Glass Half Full Positivity Perception Scale’ (GHFPPS [I made that up]).
What this scale represents is how much of a positive outlook on life people have. At one end some people just seem naturally optimistic, while at the other end you’ll find those depressing doom and gloom merchants where nothing is ever good enough.
Here is the critically important thing about the GHFPPS, you can move yourself up the scale!
By changing your perception of events, by creating a new narrative about yourself, and new habits, you become more positive. Even something as simple as a smile can make you feel more positive (smiles release endorphins).
I am sure you can all think of a friend who is at the bottom end of the scale. They use negative language, they often highlight the negative side of an event or experience, and things are always too hard. You know who I’m talking about!
At the other end of the scale, I hope like me you have some friends who always seem to see the positive side of life. They take an optimistic view of bad experiences (bad things do happen). Of course, that doesn’t mean that they’re always positive or perfect (no one is), or that they don’t get sad (everyone does), however, they always seem to see the lighter side of life. They are more the glass is overflowing kind of people, rather than the glass is half empty, or even half full.
Talking about friends, most of us have heard the expression; you are the company that you keep. Here’s another take on the same piece of advice;
“If you run around with 9 losers, pretty soon you’ll be the 10th loser.” Les Brown.
Think about that for a moment… We all should be hanging around with mates who support us, who are positive, and make us feel good…
Here’s a quick exercise to help you figure out who you should be hanging out with more (and who less):
1. Find ten to fifteen minutes when you won’t be disturbed
2. Grab a bit of paper and pen
3. Draw a line down the middle of the paper
4. Write ‘Positive Friends’ at the top of the left-hand column and ‘Negative Friends’ at the top of the right-hand column
5. List down all your positive friends on the left-hand side, and all your negative friends on the right-hand side
6. Once you have written the list put it somewhere safe and sleep on it. Revisit the next day to see if you still agree with what you wrote down yesterday.
Having slept on it, the most important action you need to do now is start hanging out less with your negative friends, and more with your positive mates!
Remember that you have a choice to find the positive or negative in any situation; choose the positive.
You cannot control what happens to you, however, you can control how you think about it and how you respond.
And, if you need a reminder once and a while to be more grateful of what you already have (more on gratitude in the fourth article), here’s an excerpt from the World Poetry Slam Champion Rudy Francisco’s poem on embracing the positives when you’re having not so good day:
“Every year remember that 2 million people die of dehydration, so it doesn’t matter if the glass is half full or half empty, there’s water in the cup. Drink that sh#t up and stop complaining.”
Check out his inspiring 3-min poem here: Rudy Francisco — Complainers
The Future
Your future does not exist yet, so stop worrying about it so much! Focus on the present instead.
Stress is often caused by us thinking about the future, worrying about something that hasn’t actually happened yet (and may not). We create stories and feel anxious about a future that only exists in our imagination… Seneca the Younger said it better than I can:
“There are more things … likely to frighten us than there are to crush us; we suffer more often in imagination than in reality.”
Worrying less about the future isn’t easy of course, like most people I stress about the future. However, when I start to stress about a future event, that may or may not happen, I try and bring myself back to the present. I try and focus more on what I am doing in the here and now, rather than stressing about something in the future that I cannot control.
The following are some actions I sometimes (no one’s perfect) take to help reduce stress:
1] I remind myself that I cannot control the future event that is stressing me out (of course I can‘t because it’s in the future). I can only control my actions and thoughts in the present
2] I think about whether there is any action I can take right now, that will help minimise the likelihood of that event happening, or lesson the negative impact if it does (sometimes bad things happen)
3] I revisit what is important to me; my mental and physical health, my family and friends. And, then I think whether or not that future stress event (which may or may not happen) will adversely affect what is important to me? If the answer is yes, I then go back to the previous point (2]) above and think about what action I can take today that will minimise the likelihood of that event happening, or reduce the impact if it does.
4] If the answer was yes, and I couldn’t find an action to reduce the risk/mitigate the negative, I then try and put things into perspective. And, I also see if I can find any little golden nuggets of positivity.
In addition, I use visual cues to remind myself how lucky I am. I have a number of pictures, mantras, notes and quotes on my office wall that centre and inspire me. Mantras and affirmations in Thriverapp that remind me to worry less about the future, and focus more on the present. To remind myself to focus on the activities and behaviours — that I can do today — which will create the future I want to live.
Remember, that the future doesn’t exist, only the present.
So, focus on the present, on the actions you can take today to live a happier and more balanced life. Ask yourself what you can do today to give yourself the best chance to create a future that you want to live in?
An additional benefit, to thinking this way, is that you become far more productive because you’re focusing your energies, and spending more time, on the activities that count!
But, what about goals I hear you say?
Sure, set some goals that will help you create a better future for yourself, your family, and your community.
However, make sure that you include some open goals focused more on the present and ‘how’ you want to live, rather than only including SMART goals focused on ‘what’ you want to achieve in the future. NB: This article isn’t about goal setting, so if you want to talk about that you can email me at: gareth@mindhabit.com.au
In the meantime, if you’re interested in learning a little more about open goals, here’s a nice article by Christian Swann that you should check out: Try setting an open goal
Wrap Up
A few key takeaways:
>The point of life is to make a positive difference
> The stories we tell ourselves about ourselves are extremely powerful and often more negative than positive. They don’t need to be
> If you have been through tough times in the past, and made some mistakes, do not let them define who are you are today. Perception is reality, and you control the narrative
> You have a choice to view something through a positive or negative lens. Choose positive
> Hang out with positive people that get you, and support you. Life is too short to hang out with people who sap your energy
> Focus on the present, and what you can do today to create a better future for you and your community. The future only exists in your imagination
Wow, that ended up being a bit longer than I thought! I enjoyed writing it, it has helped me process my mate’s death, and if you got this far 😜 I hope you got some value from it.
I hope if you are feeling anxious and/or stressed, that some of the stories and advice is helpful.
Remember that life is fragile, so be kind to yourself and tolerant of others. If you are suffering, please remember that there are people who love you, and people that can help you.
The next article in this series, dedicated to my mate, will be about living each day as if it were your last (memento mori), I promise it will be shorter than this one! The third article is about the power of insignificance, and the fourth and final in this series is about gratitude.
Finally, this was the first article I’ve written under the banner of my new performance coaching brand Mindhabit. Mindhabit has been developed alongside Thriverapp (www.thriverapp.com), and has the same vision which is to help people live happier and healthier lives.
If you’re interested in reading more, then follow me on Medium.com, and Mindhabit on Facebook and LinkedIn (page links below). Noting that the website www.mindhabit.com.au is under construction, along with a whole heap of other boring digital stuff. 😊
Mindhabit Facebook page | Mindhabit LinkedIn page
Cheers and keep on smiling (on the inside and outside)!
Gareth
